s’like walking on thin ice.
There’s something I realized today, something I think I’ve known for awhile but never really quite acknowledged. But considering how brutal this week has been for my mentality, I figured a good distraction and plunge into self-thought couldn’t be so bad.
(sidenote: I have survived almost this entire week. That in itself, deserves a fucking trophy. Not just for me, but for everyone).
But, that’s besides the point. During probably the lowest point in the past few days, I’ve realized I’m afraid of raw emotions. That initial reaction that instantly makes your eyes water or throat swell. The instant you hear that one voice that can break you and you suddenly can’t seem to hold it together. This whole chaos of your body just giving up because you can’t deal with it anymore. You’ve hit the tip of the ice berg, it’s time to scream, love.
And I hate that.
I hate crying in public, I hate not having control over my emotions, and I hate that no matter how hard you try to stop it — you can’t. Some tears will always end up escaping or your voice might crack, the little notions of strange behavior may give you away but that’s just it. I don’t want to get caught.
I don’t want people to blink or stand in silence as they have to carefully process what not to say right now. I don’t want to hear: it’ll be okay, trust me. I don’t want the sad smiles or cheery words. I don’t want anything from you…. because that only makes me feel more guilty about myself.
It makes me feel more incompetent, more at loss, more out of control… more weak, more failure. more more more. And when the emotions finally tip over…. I hope to finally sleep again.
Maybe even dream this time.